Nov 12th: prayer

I can't stop thinking about figuring out my path and finding a way to make a consistent income for my family. I have been feeling stumped for months. Last night I prayed with Nate that I would be able to figure it out. I didn't get any answers right away, but I felt God's hand in the grace He's given me to know how to pray and to know how to feel and find His answer for me. 

Nov 10th and 11th: scripture and Mom

Nov 10th: Today it was the feeling I got when I listened to the words in this week's chapters of scripture study. The names of so many people who had passed on a record of their knowledge and their life stories to their children, who continued to pass it on, and eventually, by God's grace, it made its way into my life. It all feels so intentional. 

Nov 11th: Today it was Mom. Just being near her and having her to talk through my problems with demonstrates God's hand to me. He gave me my mother. Yesterday she gave me her wisdom about preschool and balance and raising kids and limits and goal setting, she gave me waffles, she gave me sanity. 

Nov 9th: dishes, change

Well-known is the scripture about God being fundamentally unchangeable. His children, however, are in luck. We can change. He is willing to overlook our wrongs and mistakes – all one million of Alex's – all for the simple cost of our humility. He loves us without stipulation, even when we break our promises, even when we come up short, even when we yell. He still loves us. Yesterday I taught my girls that there is nothing they can do to make Him stop loving them. I have no doubt of it.

Today as I stood at the sink washing the day's fortieth sinkful of dishes, at the end of a very long afternoon that included punishments, discipline, a white lie (Lucy), a hit (Eleanor), and a can of sparkling water poured on the counter (me. No obviously this was Charlie), I reflected on the day. I had yelled. I had gotten so mad. I'd yelled more. I'd leaned in to my frustration instead of climbing over it and grasping for my patience. I felt horrible. I had *just* spent an hour doing the dishes yesterday, and somehow the sink was full again. Things change so incredibly fast. A sink is empty, it's full, I wash more dishes. I yell, I say I'm sorry, I read them stories. And that family-cell-turnover is only possible because His grace allows us to drop the weight of our mistakes. His Plan of Salvation enables us, through Christ, to be completely cleansed from even the shortest of tempers and the longest of Mondays. All we have to do is ask for it. I don't know what we did to deserve His love but I am in awe of it and so deeply grateful He has trusted me with three of His precious children. I pray tomorrow I will be the mom they deserve. And I'm thankful for the chance to try again.

Nov 7th and 8th: agency and Charlie

Nov 7th: On our way to get lunch at Kogi to celebrate, we saw so many people around LA, including someone in the car right next to us, expressing their joy over the election results. While I don't feel like God's hand made Biden win, I feel that His plan to give us agency shows His love for us. The right to choose is such a holy and personal and fundamental part of being a person. 

Nov 8th: Charlie's birthday. Of course His hand was visible as I looked back on the videos from his birth. I'll never forget the calm that slammed into me as I was completely losing it the night before Charlie was born. His Spirit spoke to me so clearly – "trust me." Yesterday, seeing the boy Charlie has grown into, I am reminded that His hand protects us and keeps us from harm every single day of our lives. My dream is to be here to see Charlie grow into an old man. God willing. 

Nov 6th: the kids' joy

Today Lucy and Eleanor had a playdate with Eden and Abbie. The first time we've had them over to our house, a year after moving in. Hearing them chitchat, watching them create a puppet show, and even overseeing the piñata they came up with filled me with gratitude for His kindness to us. We are so lucky to have wonderful friends so nearby, and to be virus-free, and to have a yard, and and and

His hand was in the chapters of The Body again. The only explanation for the stunning, ever-increasing, completely inimitable bundle of ecosystems each of us literally is. Listening and trying to keep up with all the fascinating facts about bacteria, microbiomes, spores, penicillin, fissures, neurons... His artistry and attention to detail fill me with awe.

Nov 5th: Just a flower

Today His hand was in a massive hibiscus bush I saw on the way home from preschool. The flowers on this bush are not like normal hibiscus; they're neon pink, overflowing with ruffled petals, not just the usual star shape of most hibiscus. Each is like a custom made flower just for His weary children who are trying to find Him. 

I also heard Him in the book I'm listening to – Sarah's recommendation – The Body: A Guide for Occupants. In my soul I felt His creativity when I heard the author say:

Unpacked, you are positively enormous. Your lungs smoothed out would cover a tennis court, and the airways within them would stretch from London to Moscow. The length of all your blood vessels would take you two and a half times around the earth. The most remarkable part of all is your DNA. You have a meter of it packed into every cell, and you have so many cells that if you formed all the DNA in your body into a single file strand, it would stretch ten billion miles – to beyond Pluto. Think of it. There is enough of you to leave the Solar System. You are, in the most literal sense, cosmic.

Nov 4th: Hard to find

Today kind of sucked. The election is like a wounded animal that just won't die. I didn't get to eat lunch until 3:00. Lucy cried all day, Charlie screamed all day. I accidentally paid the wrong meter when we went to watch the sunset so instead of costing $1.25 it cost $53. It was just a really long day and it was hard to find God's hand even when I went looking for it at the pier. This day is one of the lowest lows of this year. I hate this whole thing and I just want it to be over. Where are you, Lord? Where can I find Your hand?

The three seconds I got to look at the perfect sky before the sun disappeared. Charlie's warm head on my shoulder on the pier. Watching a pelican dive for a fish. My strong girls growing so big they prefer not to ride in the stroller. I guess it's there. It's tempting to feel like those don't count as seeing His hand. But then again, maybe they should count more than anything else.

Nov 3rd: When I might have lost my cool

 Today it would have been so easy for me to spiral and zombie my way through the day. Instead, somehow from the crack of dawn, I have been efficient, smiling, in a great mood. I accomplished more today than I have on any other day for weeks. I cleaned the kitchen, reorganized some cluttered spaces, got the morning kid chores taken care of alongside Nate, edited an entire wedding's worth of film, and delivered it to my bride. I haven't lost my cool once, I even made space to dry some tears and hold my babies while I was editing. I know with 100% certainty that that was God's hand in my day.

I created a new label for this daily project of looking for His hand. Here's the collection of posts in order :)

Nov 2nd: through Eleanor

 Today I saw the hand of God through my oldest girl. 

Recently I ordered a button maker for a project I'm working on. Today I sat down with the kids to open it up and learn how to use it. From the second I revealed what it was, the air was just buzzing with Eleanor's ideas and excitement to create one million things with this exciting new tool. She and Lucy patiently waited while I troubleshot and eventually got things running smoothly. For the rest of the afternoon, Eleanor learned how to make the buttons herself and developed a plan for a new club, where members can earn badges, illustrating each of the badges (including a "take-away badge" in case of a misdeed) and writing a list of friends she'll be recruiting. 

It was such a small thing, this little button maker, but seeing my child come alive with that almost-electric creative energy just felt like I was seeing her as God intended her to be. Bursting with His likeness, the creative spirit with which I believe He built the world and our souls. 

Nov 1st: the hand of God

I love the first day of the month. I always have. 

While I was taking a shower after the kids were in bed, I was trying to think of something I could do every single day of this month to put something meaningful out into the world. I had almost decided on it by the time I finished applying moisturizer but still wasn't sure when I came out to sit on the couch and eat some cake. I checked my phone to see a text from my mom to our family thread encouraging each of us to recognize God's hand in our life in some small or big way every day through the month. 

That felt like my answer. In fact, it felt like the hand of God. 

So today I begin. A photograph and a blog post each day to acknowledge His hand. 

See you tomorrow :)