both of Us losing

the obgyn said to come back on the second day
so i drag myself to the office
no choice but to go now, in the space that fits between drop off and the first client call
nate and charlie stay with daniel tiger
numb driving there
numb sitting in there
numb checking which vein
the nurse determines the left arm is better
she counts out seven vials
ties off my arm
i tell her, "i might start crying"
a 21 gauge needle is apparently all it takes to break the dam
i start crying and can't stop
life drains out of my arm
eight mini test tubes' worth
back in the car
i cry for my Mother
Mother, do You know what this feels like?
a thought comes, I wonder if it's Her –
"every time it happens to you, it happens to Me.
I'm sad too
I'm sad too"

How to Get Dressed for Family Photos



You've booked your family photo session, but you have no idea what to wear. Here are four colorways that photograph well together.

Coming soon: choosing your location. We'll talk about how our outfits should look "at home" in our location. We don't wear a prom dress into the woods, y'all. Now for the techniques:

polytheist

i'm starting to think that the greeks
were onto something
that One God was just not enough
the temple was crowded

so 
they split our Parents at Their virtuous seams
and worshipped the Characteristics 
of God the Father 
and God the Mother

of course
we know they got carried away 
they learned to forget
to obsess
to profane

but a thousand years have passed
and the pendulum has swungtoo far

forgetful obsessive profane men
in their mad rush to monotheism 
shoved Her 
into storage, under beds, into back garden sheds

and worshipped only Him 
the One they could metabolize
colonize
fight for
die for
kill for

but,

my Creator
is not hiding under a pile of ancient conjecture
dust-covered, dismantled, dishonored
by lazy faithmakers who insisted there must be Only One

She was not smothered by negligence
drowned by ignorance
or silently vaporized by doctrine

She smiles the dawn
She breathes the tide
She paints the night
She pours the rain
She speaks the grain
She raises spring from the dead
She cradles billions of heads
in Her lap and brushes our hair because 
She is Mother 

She, a Perfect Partner, created
all of the tragic folks who tried to erase Her
defame Her
destroy Her

they are Hers
and She is there, pushing the pendulum back this way
smiling
waiting patiently 
for us to clear the cobwebs of small mindedness
and build Her a temple in our guts
one that cannot be rationalized into disappearance
explained away by unimaginative sexism
no.
we must build in our guts a temple
that can house
Her and Him

our Creators

our Gods

Kent, WA // July 2021


Last summer my kids didn't get to come to Washington. This year we bravely made the journey without Nate – late bedtimes and pre-dawn wake up calls notwithstanding, it was a glorious few days. We hardly did anything besides swim and pick berries. Mom took us to the neighborhood where a bunch of her friends used to live when she was in junior high. I saw downtown Kent AND my parents' wedding album for the first time. We marveled at the cotton candy sunsets. Dad did swan dives and backflips and Dan pretended he was going to throw everyone in. Ranger learned to swim(!!) and went boating for the first time. I missed Nate constantly, but Mom and Grandma did so much of the heavy lifting that it felt like much less than five days of solo parenting. Oh, and the flowers! Hydrangeas, dahlias, queen anne's lace. 

It was heaven. Have a look:

i have not failed, i've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. –thomas edison

 i have not failed, 

i have just matched five eggs with five sperm who were not intended to become human beings.

 i have not failed, 

i have just one human body who doesn't write a perfect first draft every time.

 i have not failed, 

i have just stumbled and cut my knees, but i am still on the mountain.

 i have not failed,

i just need to cry on the couch in my sweats after the successes are in bed.

 i have not failed

 i have not failed

 i have not failed



the regular person's guide to disneyland // august 24, 2021

Let me preface by saying I am Normal. I'm not a "rAiSeD oN dIsNeY & jEsUs" kind of girl and I wouldn't be caught dead in a custom Disney family shirt or pair of ears. I like Disneyland. I don't live for it. 

This is the Regular Person's Guide to Disneyland. 



Five

I can hear the announcer calling the football came

The whistle

There are school buses parked up the street 

like three yellow whales 

So much life happening out there, so many feelings, 

I can hear them all on the breeze outside the girls’ window 

Sitting on the floor in their room taking inventory of their clothes 

What fits, what’s thrashed, what we need to buy before school starts on Wednesday 

And as I sit here

Doing chores, organizing clothes

Life quietly bleeds away from me

In clumps and pints, or maybe teaspoons but it feels like liters

It feels like 35 weeks just went through the paper shredder 

Five miscarriages is a lot, Sue told me this morning

Driving past the ocean made me feel nice and small

Small enough to fit three-to-a-seat on the school bus

Does this matter that much? Life is long, I’ll be okay right?

But then Nate asks me what I need and I crumple 

Just a hug, I tell him 

As if that could possibly be true 

Kauai // June 2021

We spent a week on the south shore of Kauai in June. I snorkeled in the mornings and ate about a pound of shave ice and shot six rolls of Kodak color films. 


At the end of the day I texted myself a little summary so I wouldn't forget all the things we did. All of that is around the corner >>

dad

dad asked me to make some portraits of him before he goes completely gray. it was my honor. i hope he asks again. 

kodak portra 160, canon eos 3. april 2021. 





eleanor is seven /// 06/03/2021

Eleanor is a 
lightning bolt 
a sunflower 
a pearl
a honeybee

my personal trainer
who makes me
so strong 
i could lift a car off of her
sometimes i don't want a work out and i hate it
but i'm always thankful i did

my tiny adult
a feminist, an advocate
so responsible that she
doesn't need a reminder
to grab her dance bag before we leave
but so full of feelings
that sometimes she just has to scream
and i get it
where can a girl put all that ambition?
 
eleanor's imagination is galactic
she's a technicolor believer with
faith greater than the seven seas 
she is my dream job and
my toughest boss
my best teacher
and hardest class

i pray i'll never forget 
her beauty
her tiny intensity
like a blade of grass carved from stone
though i know i'll always remember that
an Eleanor never forgets