the whole sky

 it's 10/20/23
i finally listened bigger than the whole sky for the first time
people said it was about miscarriage
and i couldn't bring myself to go there

i thought my miscarriages would someday 
fade away
because i know i've had all the babies i'll have

so there's nothing to worry about

they're not gone
they still loom so large in my life

they're not so bright red anymore
but each one

5 miscarriages
it's a lot

it's still a lot

i wish they'd never happened
miscarriage is so confusing
along with so many other feelings - 

hopeless "this was a miracle and now it's gone"
sad "i wanted this so bad"
wondering "why?" "how long will it take me to heal?"
haunting "maybe i could have done something"
angry "i'm trying to do the right thing"
exhausted "now we have to start all over"
sore "why does it hurt so bad"
embarrassed "all i want to do is talk about this but no one cares as much as me"
overflowing "wait but why"
upside down "how could this happen? i'm healthy, i've had healthy babies already"
disappointed "gosh i was so excited to have this baby"
disheartened "i want to give up"
heavy "this is too hard"
confusing "what exactly have i lost? how sad do i get to be?"
desperate "please God no please not again not again"

and even now
typing it all makes me cry

"you were more than just a short time"