31 weeks// tumble dry low

some days i feel completely calm, confident, cucumberlike
like today. 
mostly chill, not feeling especially freakouty at all really
t h e n

it's 11:01 pm
nate's asleep beside me

find myself
watching birth videos
a nagging tumbling feeling 
like i'm in the dryer
all that could go wrong

my imagination's worst case scenario elbowing itself to the top of my mind

every kick and wiggle
half reassurance, half terrifying
is he upside down?
did he just tangle himself in his cord?
how are we going to make it another ten weeks? or twelve?

how am i ever going to deliver this baby?
what if something happens?
what if we have a cord accident?
i'm not okay
i can't do this
i can't go on
i'm too scared
i'm too scared
i'm too scared
please God
what do i do i'm just so scared
i can't survive that
my heart feels like it's going to push itself out of my throat
God please, please 
i'm going to drown in this fear
i am so terrified
it feels like a nightmare but i'm awake, it's 11:19 and i'm typing a blog draft
and it feels like i'm 
living the worst possible moment 
how do i stop how do i stop i'm so scared God how do i stop

and in my mind's eye
mom and dad's dining room
the wall
the small drawing 
black ink old paper
the angel beside Christ in the garden

i feel my heart returning, burning, to its proper location in my chest
i need like 12 tums
someone opened the dryer door
i'm exhausted from the spiral
still scared but somehow no longer blinded by the fear

God, please, please, please let me raise this baby
bring me through these last few weeks

and then let me start the fresh batch of first year worries
latch and cradle cap and the pause
allergies and formula and growth curves
all i want is to be so tired i can't even see straight, 

holding my baby
breathing together