i called the midwife to cancel my 8 week visit but i couldn't even bring myself to tell them why
they didn't ask
they didn't ask
i wonder if they get calls like this a lot, people miscarrying and too sad to say so
it's the same as before
realizing it's happening
begging God, please, no no no no, please please please not this time
but there's nothing i can do and i know it
panic and begging
it's the lowest feeling
the powerlessness
heartbreak
bargaining, pleading
just please please please
please let this be a bad dream
it has to be a bad dream
and then i feel like a fool
i should have known it was too good to be true. perfect due date, perfect timing
i already downloaded my pregnancy tracker app and moved my fertility app to my last screen ("won't need this anymore!")
i even thought about buying a baby blanket yesterday that reminded me of my laura ashley bedspread i had when i was a little girl
kacey musgraves song "silver lining" keeps repeating in my head
lemonade keeps turning into lemons
and you wear your heart on a ripped unraveled sleeve
been rung through the ringer and pushed up to your limit
you say you're just unlucky, but luck ain't what you need
it's 2017 again and i'm on the floor in the bathroom at 4908 W 77th St
with that feeling
where i can't form words and it feels like my stomach is in a blender
and i'm falling apart
literally
