again 3/2/21

i called the midwife to cancel my 8 week visit but i couldn't even bring myself to tell them why
they didn't ask
i wonder if they get calls like this a lot, people miscarrying and too sad to say so

it's the same as before
realizing it's happening
begging God, please, no no no no, please please please not this time
but there's nothing i can do and i know it

panic and begging
it's the lowest feeling
the powerlessness 
bargaining, pleading
just please please please 
please let this be a bad dream
it has to be a bad dream

and then i feel like a fool

i should have known it was too good to be true. perfect due date, perfect timing

i already downloaded my pregnancy tracker app and moved my fertility app to my last screen ("won't need this anymore!")

i even thought about buying a baby blanket yesterday that reminded me of my laura ashley bedspread i had when i was a little girl

kacey musgraves song "silver lining" keeps repeating in my head
lemonade keeps turning into lemons
and you wear your heart on a ripped unraveled sleeve
been rung through the ringer and pushed up to your limit
you say you're just unlucky, but luck ain't what you need

it's 2017 again and i'm on the floor in the bathroom at 4908 W 77th St
with that feeling

where i can't form words and it feels like my stomach is in a blender
and i'm falling apart