when im holding him up a little higher than my head and he's squirming
but i'm relentless in my big noisy mom hug
holding him under his armpits
close enough to bite his chin and kiss his cheeks
i kiss him and squeeze him and tell him, you are my honey boy
i am one big smile
and the sun and the avocado tree are behind him
standing just inside his door to the yard
he's so big now but still LITTLE
and when i hold him like this
under his armpits
one big smile
so close that his face is blurred
zoomed in –
i panic that i'll forget what this looks like