10:16 pm
1/30/23
Today was the first day
That I didn’t nurse you
It will haunt me for a long time
That I gave up – right? I did, didn’t I?
If I had just tried harder
Sacrificed a little more
Slept less
Pumped more
Hydrated
Meditated
Maybe it would have been enough
I hate whatever part of me said “it’s too hard”
I’m embarrassed
I’m sorry
I’m so sorry
For robbing the poor to feed to rich
But my son I promise
To give you every drop of
myself
I’ll mix it in with each scoop of formula
I know it’s not as good but
I know what I can’t do
Breastfeeding is an alchemy that might as well be
Trigonometry
no matter how hard I try
I still —
I’m sorry
I’ll always wish I could have kept going
I’m haunted by my reasons for stopping
Maybe they aren’t good enough
But I hope I
will be
I have cried so many tears and I will cry liters more as those sacred days of feeding you fade farther and farther out of our life. The aching is overwhelming, it feels like being stuck in the ocean and not being confident enough to swim back in, but also being too tired to stay out in the water. My whole body is crying, this kind of heartbreak is worse than any cheating boyfriend, because it’s you my son